Office training

I suppose anywhere you work you have to go through some orientation on how to handle the day to day problems that might crop up during an average workday. It is not different at the UN. I finished my mandatory training, but there were a few useful things I thought I might share. For example, when stopped at a checkpoint by children soldiers treat them with respect, and take them seriously, and treat them as you would dangerous adults. Of course, my policy has always been treat anyone with a AK47 pointed at my head with respect, but that’s just me.

I also learned several things to do when taken hostage that I didn’t know, like if you speak their language use it, don’t argue with them, don’t talk to them about politics, but stay on conversations about personal things (as hard as it is to believe, they might not like Obama). Also try and exercise your body and mind by going over movie plots and doing physical exercise to the extent you can. Keep in shape and keep a positive mental attitude. Also don’t appear to be impatient or too demanding. It’s ok to ask for food and water when you needed it and to ask to use the bathroom. This was good to know because I think I would have become impatient with my captors and would have likely earned a beating (which was something to be avoided the training pointed out). Also one should never plead for your life, or act undignified or too friendly. Calm stoicism and obedience seemed to be the rule. Do what your told but don’t lose your perspective that you are an important person too who deserves some dignity!

I have to admit though that even as a university professor I crapped out on the land mine spotting portion. Me, I thought the picture quality too poor to pick out the hidden land mines and when the message kept coming back “You spotted 0 out of 3 landmines” I was quite embarrassed and blamed the unclarity of the photo. It may have just been sour grapes, but just in case, if we are ever walking in a mined area you may not want me on point.

However, if an unruly mob appears, I will show you the skills needed to keep things calm. I think I would be particularly good at the last skill, “You may need to vacate the area quickly.” I might even use that one first. I also found out that many countries carry diseases that are dangerous and life threatening. Who would have thought.

And what office training would be complete without the mandatory “What do you do when you come under fire.” And those little tidbits like an engine block is a more effective cover than bushes. I see the possibility of a series of office motivational posters that really haven’t been tapped yet, like, rather than an eagle soaring with, “Limits are only how high you dare fly” you do something like a bush next to an log, “Cover: its only as good as the stuff it’s made off” or an angry mob waving machetes, “Keep your head and you’ll keep your head” or maybe a picture of a small cell with chains next to a chair, “Movie plots: keeping positive when no one else is.”

Well, so it was just another day of office training. Nothing out of the ordinary.